25 things I would say to Kabir Sadanand about his first film, Popcorn Khao! Mast Ho Jao!:
01. Fire your Editor (or get him to switch to organics).
02. Fire the Dubbing department.
03. Sync Sound worked for Chameli, and it would have worked for you.
04. Apologise to your cinematographer for sullying his magnificent work with such a crappy film.
05. Compared to Rashmi Nigam, even Sonu Nigam would have done a better job.
06. Stick to writing comedy dialogue, it’s your strong suit.
07. You do not need two Items in one film.
08. Also, the purpose of an Item Song is to actually spend some time on the Item… oh heck, just see #01
09. Establishing shots were invented for a reason.
10. So was the Plot Curve.
11. I mean, what the hell was the conflict?
12. Tell Akshay Kapoor that he’s in a Hindi Movie, not on a Broadway stage, and that the two do not necessarily demand the same kind of acting.
13. I know the big, expensive edit-suites at Prime Focus have sexy sexy post-effects, but that doesn’t mean you need to use all of them.
14. (come to think of it, maybe you need to switch to organics too)
15. (better yet, quit altogether)
16. Tell the guy who designed the logo to get a dildo or something, man.
17. Also, putting “This Season’s Warmest Love Story!” on the DVD box is just… ew.
18. Three Words: Plot. Coherence. Verisimilitude.
19. On second thoughts: PLOTPLOTPLOTPLOTPLOT
20. Go visit Khadi Bhandar and see what ‘uncool’ kurtas really look like.
21. Give us back the one hour of the film that seems to have been missing.
22. Take away the entire second half except for the Yash Tonk bits.
23. Speaking of which, shame on you for not putting Yash Tonk in any of the ads or posters.
24. Fire Tanisha’s make-up person.
25. Go find a man named Samir Karnik and have an nice, long chat about what you two have done.